Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Reflections on a new year

It's hard starting out a new year with (what one hopes) is the saddest day you'll ever have.  But there it is.  I've had a few sad days.

My daughter's stillborn day.
The day I had to tell Sky about his father's death.
My own father's death.

But I have to interject something here, maybe off the point, because my mind is just rambling now.  I remember a few years, this same daughter called, on her way to the Emergency Room, could I meet her there?  I don't remember what was wrong, a miscarriage, I think, but it could have been something else.  I don't think I want to remember.  But I was also in a black-out drunk.  Because that was what I did in those days.  I don't remember much, but I know I made a drunken scene in the ER, I do know I was of no help whatsoever to Kathy.
So, I should be grateful (small mercies) that I could be there for her this time.  Hold her hand through the whole birth, knowing what was coming, but not knowing yet the look of anguish only a mother can have for her lost child.

I hope I never know that.  It's been my biggest worry with this child for the past 10 (12?) years.

I could write a whole lot more about anguish, because of Bill, of course.  But that rests for another day.

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