Birthday- and waiting for the rebirth of wonder.

Today is my daughter, Kathy's, birthday.  She is 27.  I haven't seen her for almost a year.  By choice.  The last fourteen years have been brutal for a mother of a child like Kathy.  She started drinking and using drugs at a young age.  She went to california for all kinds of adventures, and came home six years ago with a monkey on her back the size of King Kong.  Nothing has been able to save her.  Suboxin, rehab, threat of jail, jail, car accidents, stillbirth, rehab, AA, NA.....nothing.  Her father and I wait.  We wait.  We wait for that "aha" moment that somehow turns her away from her sad, lonely and painful life and back to us.  We wait for that phone call.  You know the phone call I mean.  The phone call that's the end of hope.  I could list the things in the last year she's done to hurt herself and her family, but it would take too long and be too painful.  I wish I had the gift of magic, or prayer, that would somehow save her.  But I know she can only save herself.  I'm not feeling a lot of hope these days, so I also wait for grace.

Fall

So it's Fall, and finally cooling off.  I've been working hard (well, hard for me) in the studio, and on my web-page.  I'm really struggling with my poverty though, and to add extra pressure, got wait-listed for the Baltimore ACC Show, which is usually my main money maker of the year, so.....

I think more than that, I've had to deal with the fact that I'm struggling with motivation when it comes to physical activity.  Ever since I had Lyme's Disease, I've felt tired and so I've gotten out of shape.  I need to start doing something.

September

Yay!!  September is here....here is why I'm happy

the kids are back at school,

the weather is bound to cool off (eventually)

had a great visit with Lexie, and will have another one with Lexie and Richie in a couple of weeks,

and, I'm back to work.

The piece above, is titled "family" and was inspired by a family gathering this summer, to commemorate my Uncle Chas.  Each of the houses represents my mother and her brothers and sisters.  The windows are their children.

Fall shows include:

Northampton, Mass. - http://www.paradisecityarts.com/october/homeoct.html

Philadelphia, Pa. - http://pmacraftshow.org/

Washington, DC - http://www.craftsamericashows.com/WASH_main.htm

and

Boston, Mass. - http://www.societyofcrafts.org/cbholiday/holidayinfo.asp

Labor Day Weekend

so, here i am getting ready for Lexie to come for the weekend.  Of course, I have to clean like mad, which is why i'm blogging!!

it's been a fun summer, i did some okay work, went to Texas, and saw friends and relations i hadn't seen for eons......this is where i would post pictures of them, if i hadn't accidently erased them from my camera (dammit).

I'm trying to mainly come to turns with being poor, which is really hard.  I have to depend on a lot of people, which I've never had to do before, and I HATE IT!!  But, la la la, oh well.

February - March

February and March have been okay months.....two big shows, a breakdown in Georgia, that totally sucked me dry financially.  More tests it seems.  But Sky and I had a wonderful time at Universal Studios, I just wish that I had a camera to record my pale window, my boy on our adventures.

Reflections on a new year

It's hard starting out a new year with (what one hopes) is the saddest day you'll ever have.  But there it is.  I've had a few sad days.

My daughter's stillborn day.
The day I had to tell Sky about his father's death.
My own father's death.

But I have to interject something here, maybe off the point, because my mind is just rambling now.  I remember a few years, this same daughter called, on her way to the Emergency Room, could I meet her there?  I don't remember what was wrong, a miscarriage, I think, but it could have been something else.  I don't think I want to remember.  But I was also in a black-out drunk.  Because that was what I did in those days.  I don't remember much, but I know I made a drunken scene in the ER, I do know I was of no help whatsoever to Kathy.
So, I should be grateful (small mercies) that I could be there for her this time.  Hold her hand through the whole birth, knowing what was coming, but not knowing yet the look of anguish only a mother can have for her lost child.

I hope I never know that.  It's been my biggest worry with this child for the past 10 (12?) years.

I could write a whole lot more about anguish, because of Bill, of course.  But that rests for another day.

Memento Moris Redux - Born Still

My last posting seems so oddly prophetic now.  My darling daughter's baby died, just a few days ago.  We still don't know why she died.  There is a photograph, now, of my own daughter, looking very much like the young woman in the previous photo, holding her baby, with that same struck look on her face......

I never hope to see that look again.

Her perfect little girl, perfect except for her very stillness, who had moved inside her just two days before.  Before she became, became still.